It is not fair to ask of others what you are unable to do yourself

Maturity includes the recognition that no one is going to see
anything in us that we don't see in ourselves.
Stop waiting for a producer. Produce yourself. 

~ Marianne Williamson ~

Sometimes I feel like I expect more from others rather than myself.

I look outside of myself for answers, approval, happiness, confidence, appreciation that lies within me. I get a knot in my throat working through this process. It's an uneasiness I feel in my throat, move down through my heart and to my stomach and it sits there willingly.

My last boyfriend I expected more from him than I did myself as he did as well. I still act like an asshole towards him. I still tease him with words and his wanting to be with me. Yet I have no desire to be with him romantically except out of fear. 

The goal of spiritual practice is full recovery, 
and the only thing you need to recover from is a fractured sense of self.

~ Marianne Williamson ~

I am scared of him moving on, I am scared of someone not caring anymore, I am scared of being replaced, and a part of me is scared I will fall into depression and a horrible life and everyone and everything around me will be happy except me. This could relate back to my father.

 I still unconsciously expect my ex to know something, to make me feel a certain way emotionally. It seems I am emotionally driven and my logic is there but goes out the window with the suffering I feel as my emotions surface. sometimes I think he will always feel a certain way and my perception of love, life and everything in between is his perception as well. I don't believe it though.

I hold  on to this and put it in thought and it bothers me. I hold on to what bothers me when all I want to do is hold on to the heaven without any comment, smirks, doubt or interruptions from my mind.

I want my mind to calm down. This is the hardest task for me. I am learning to love myself even though I am love. I am relearning to deeply and truly accept myself. Being positive and changing your way of thinking is a full-time job. 

I am so use to dwelling in my negative perceptions, the past that it's normal for me almost to feel and see the world in a certain way. It's not natural but it's normal and I think somewhere inside of me it scares me to change that.

What's best is not always easy. I thought I was finding happiness but I realize typing this I have a lot of pain. 

Spiritual progress is like detoxification.
Things have to come up in order to be released.
Once we have asked to be healed, 
then our unhealed places are forced to the surface. 

~ Marianne Williamson ~

I don't want to be a victim to it or a victim to my emotions. If I have the power, I can change that. My hardest virtue is patience. I feel like sometimes everything should be right now once I change, everything else should to. I know this isn't right. It's a bad habit. I am realizing a lot of bad habit lately since this cleanse:

My need for approval in the past

My need to feel "loved" by another

My realization of playing the victim to situations

That it's my full-time job to be happy and no one elses

I can change many things

I am wonderful

That I feel better on fruit more than anything

I have needed to do focus on me for a long time.

Sometimes I need to be selfish. It's not to be mean.

I tend  to idolize others more than myself

I want to relearn how to be at peace with myself and rethink anger

I get so angry sometimes. It balls up inside of me creating chaos to my spirit, mind and body. I don't want to think about it.

I live in the future when life is a string of moments. I live out of the moment. Centering my mind in the present isn't easy. It isn't easy to break old habits but I want it to be easy.

I have an tweaked messed up view of who I am. At least I can admit that.

The good thing is, things are changing. I am realizing these things and slowly addressing them and changing my thinking through out my day. I have been happier than I've been in a long time even though my life can feel like a three doors down cd gone india arie and back again. I can go to the depths of depression and the heights of happiness. With happiness I keep wanting to go higher. I think there are days aside from a happy life that you need to listen to the depths sometimes. It keeps you sane.

I still feel hopeful and I am changing and I can feel it! 

That should mean something. I think I can give myself some inner brownie points.

In our natural state, we are glorious beings. 
In the world of illusion, we are lost and imprisoned, 
slaves to our appetites and our will to false power.

~ Marianne Williamson ~

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