dear i-dont-know or maybe-i-do,

Life is beautifully confusing. it boggles my mind. I felt very confused today after reading blogs on religion, ways to eat and ideas and suggestions on how to live your life. I felt driven and drove away by the egos. I don't want my ego to run my life. I want to be humble and happy to be me. I feel sort of obsessed with eating at the moment, to the point it puzzles me and i want to focus on other things. In the past, my ego grew bigger with the finding of raw foods.  I love learning about nutrition but I would also like to be a well-rounded person and develop other interests too. I'm looking into running, dancing, painting and reading to keep some variety in my life. I am sure my friends think I am obsessed with fruit! It could be worse and it's not a bad obsession considering it's what sustaining my life. It would make sense to put importance on this.

I feel best when I go jogging on an empty stomach, come back and eat some fresh melon. That's pretty much equals coffee to me. I have so much energy and I feel so refreshed. It's amazing what high-water fruits can do for you! Also, skin brushing is amazing too. I usually do it before a shower but I've been working out so I've been doing it after lately.

Yesterday I drank sugar baby watermelon juice all day. I felt so good. So light and happy.

Today I ate:

a pear smoothie

some almonds

lettuce wraps with tomato, avocado, walnuts, bananas, a little salt & agave (i haven't had it in so long)

cantaloupe smoothie

another lettuce wrap

I ate a lot today.  I eat less when I eat more high-water fruits.

I'll have to go out to our farm and pick some more fruit from the fruit trees.

I'm so excited that I have belly dancing class tomorrow as well as yoga. I think I'll work out for two hours in the morning and two hours in the evening as well :)

Life keeps getting better. I am glad I am choosing to be happy and I feel happy most of the time! I want to ask the universe for so much but I am so grateful for where I am right now! It's quite a miracle to me! So much has happened in one month and I am feeling healthier and cleaner everyday!

Carry on.

I tried posting this picture I did on a previous post but it was too large. Mediums: pencil and makeup palette.

I met with this guy named Enrique and he is going to teach me to paint and told me I could make some money selling his artwork at the farmers market and making canvas for him!

By: Marina Mendez (me!) 
circling around
cap and gown
veil and corset 
your busy mind
rest yet
more less
less more
who's keeping score
this way to your heart
this way to your soul
who the hell was i
if i never let go
selecting love 
over dreams
an envelope 
of sunshine
peeking through
the trees.
home creeps around
the bend of the bright-eyed
city in the back of your head
opinions fall to ones standing tall
matter minds to those who care.
surely you don't mind if i take 
a deep breath
to rearrange the day and night.
half smiling
skipping stones
past the joneses'
but you're a lot like they were.
a dreamers teeth
do chatter and grind
sign of the times
wanting drives the day
a moment of time slips away
broken
woken in a deep sleep
moving on with a wordly view
of something you never knew.
circling around
cap and gown
veil and corset 
your busy mind
rest yet
more less
less more
who's keeping score
this way to your heart
this way to your soul
who the hell was i
if i never let go
selecting love 
over dreams.

Yesterday I just did not feel like myself. Lawrence came over. I've been spending the last few days with him. I feel I need to distance myself from him. It's a constant cycle that never ends that I never really feel happy about. He has really changed and has helped me a lot over the last few days but I feel lost from myself when I am in a relationship with him. It's hard to ignore that when I am spending time with him.

I went to the massage school and did a tour. I was so excited about it all and then I just didn't feel excited. There wasn't even a good reason to not be. I felt kind of depressed and filled with anxiety yesterday. I don't know why I let these emotions bother me. I always think emotions have some kind of intelligent meaning when a lot of times they create problems and nonexistent issues. I need to learn how to handle my emotions and not label myself with these emotions.

Am I anxious? Am I sad? No. I am none of these things. I am not emotion.

I just felt kind of restless. I seriously felt like running down the street screaming. Hannah felt the same way. She said she felt like that today too. She said she felt like her soul just wanted to come out of her body. We agreed. John Mayer's "Bigger Than My Body" explains it all. I always want to know why I feel like that at different times.

Yesterday I didn't do so well as a fruitarian. Lawrence and I went to this new Mexican restaurant and I ordered the guacamole.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it had sour cream in it. Also I over did it on the tortilla chips. Ate a lot of cashew butter and bananas. I need to stop eating cashew butter! Sometimes I crave it but it does make me kind of sluggish. "I made a bitchin' smoothie" haha as Alison would say.  It was cantaloupe, kiwi and mango smoothie. I had to use a little almond milk because I didn't have any filtered water. It was so good!! I feel much better on smoothies and mono-meals. Why don't I just eat that from now on?!

After my emotions fell down in the gutter I went to Pita Pit and got a hummus pita and chips. I guess it's better than going out and drinking because that's what I felt like doing. I was in a really weird mood. I felt wild, crazy and depressed at the same time. 

I walked to The Fish Tank by myself and listened to the band The Fresh. They were pretty good. It felt strange to go to the bar by yourself but also liberating because I don't do many things by myself. I kinda liked it. I didn't have to call anyone up and depend on them to go. I didn't drink which is great. I felt very independent and proud that I went there by myself. There were two old men that kept coming up and talking to me, trying to get me to dance. I just felt like sitting and enjoying the moment. I always dance but just felt like enjoying last night differently.

I feel kind of bloated today. Figures. I think i'm going to start with a melon mono meal and have smoothies the rest of the day.

I don't feel like eating today.

aww look at my little pug! he's the best!

the sun is shining brighter everyday

Last night we moved into our new apartment in downtown lexington. We still don't have a lot but I feel very optimistic and I plan to keep it that way. I felt safe in our new place and very calm in my new room. I woke up and put together our bathroom shelves. It took me four tries to get it right. The whole time I kept thinking about being placed in a room full of people, each one given the same task and racing to see who would finish first. I think I would lose just because for the simple fact I didn't really pay attention to the instructions. 

Janet came over and helped me put it together. It was such a pretty day in Lexington. I wish it was like this all year long! I think it really does make everyone feel better about their lives when we have wonderful weather. Hannah came over and we went and checked out her apartment on our street. It's alittle farther down but it's huge and a nice place. Our place is rather small but it's nice and we have a washer and dryer. It's good for me and Alison. Hannah and I went to the co-op  I got some natural toiletries, 3 bunches of bananas and some cashew butter. Oh, how I love cashew butter!! I ate so much of it last night. For breakfast I had cashew butter with bananas haha and a little agave. It was wonderful! I also had that for lunch too! I plan on eating bananas all day today and tomorrow. I found out at Walmart of all places, that I have stage 1 hypertension, which makes sense. I have the symptoms of feeling dizzy, anxiety, high blood pressure and shakiness. They say potassium helps it. So here I am. I've had 4 bananas today and I feel great. I also had some conventional strawberries. They tasted wonderful though.

Hannah and I took a walk down our busy city street. We are near everything! Rupp Arena, bars, clubs, ethnic food, cute shops, parks, yoga, massage, farmer's market. Everything is quite a miracle in my eyes. Everything seems to be evolving, it's just a matter of being patient and living in the moment. Melissa might be moving across the street from us. It's so weird how things happen. None of this would of happen if I went back to California. Life amazes me.

Yesterday I wrote a letter to the universe asking for so much. It almost makes me feel guilty but I shouldn't because I am part of the universe. I feel confident that it will all happen. Like I said, it's just a matter of enjoying the moment and giving it a chance to happen. I also picked up the secret. I started thinking about my life and the principles of the law of attraction. I'm not sure if I actually believe in it. Maybe to some extend but the things that I usually think of or the people I think of usually appear or happen when I am not focus on them. I mean I guess it has happened in weird circumstances where I have been thinking of someone and I see them or I am thinking of something and I see it. Who knows, all I know is I am happy where I am and I know great things are unfolding for me. I think I might write another letter to the universe. I am just so grateful for everything that has happened so far!

for dinner...bananas with cashew butter and cashew halves...bon appetit! 

So good news!

We got the apartment! It's even better now that we came back and looked at it a second time. It seemed even bigger than the last time. It have gray walls, it's in a huge historic house but our apartment is very modern, I got the big bedroom and I'm so ecstatic about decorating!

The landlord Gary was very laid back. Signing the lease was a breeze.

Alison's mom, Janet took me to TJ MAXX where we found all this awesome stuff for our kitchen.

We are going for an asian look in the kitchen and then a old vintage new orleans look in the living room. I'm so glad I won't have to buy pots and pans and everything that goes with it because I AM A FRUITARIAN! The benefits are ENDLESS! 

Alison is also sticking to raw foods so we will only need a blender, food processor and possibly a dehydrator down the line. 

I can't wait to decorate my room but I am still not sure exactly how I want to do it. I am kind of stuck between a tropical sea foam green-turquoise with wood accents or a moroccan theme with bright shades of orange and red. I think I am leaning towards the turquoise because it is calming and that's the kind of effect I want to have in my room. I remember watching "Uptown Girls" with Dakota Fanning and Brittany Murphy and I fell in love with Brittany Murphy's character's room. It looked kind of Indian/Moroccan. I'll have to rent that movie for some ideas. 

Anyways yesterday I felt kind of tired. I think right when I wake up I need to exercise. I feel so much better when I do. I have more energy!

Yesterday I ate:

3 bananas for breakfast

1/4 canteloupe for snack

1/4 canteloupe for lunch

1 avocado, 1/4 canteloupe, cashews, 2 bananas for dinner

some pineapple for dessert

I also had some cashew butter and kava tea.

I have had the worst luck with avocados lately. I am never eating conventional avocados again!!

I got 2 for a $1 at Good Foods Market and they tasted like metal. I opened 3 of them and they all tasted the same. It was quite strange. I also got a Slimcado which is an avocado with half the fat and it was a lot bigger. That tasted like mush. It was disgusting and then Alison got some avocados from Fresh Market, that were conventional as well, and it was horrible.

I also got some grapefruit from Kroger and it was disgusting on the inside. It was one of those grapefruit with hardly any juice and it tasted bland. All that produce wasn't organic. I'll have to see if my taste buds have changed or it's just the conventional avocados.  Today I'm going to go jogging and eat some juicy melon. It's like a  standard american diet's version of coffee but in my opinion feel so much better!

My ex continues to call and leave voicemails. I still haven't got a phone yet. My mom said she will be sending me her old one. He sounds really sad and hurt. I didn't mean to hurt him, I just need to let him go. It saddens me when I hear him convincing me to call him. I will eventually but now is just not the time. It's so easy for me to change my perspective back to "I wanna be in this relationship" perspective. I feel like everytime I am with him I regret seeing him. I told Alison that our relationship is a lot like food "You know how you snack on something just because it's there but afterwards you feel like a pig for it and feel remorse afterwards? That's kind of how my relationship with my ex is". I know it's harsh but it's so true. We have nothing in common. I know he cares and wants to help me but I also feel like there's another chance to get close again and I want to be on my own and away from the relationship. I will tell him that eventually. Until then I am enjoying life to the fullest!!