Carry on.

I tried posting this picture I did on a previous post but it was too large. Mediums: pencil and makeup palette.

I met with this guy named Enrique and he is going to teach me to paint and told me I could make some money selling his artwork at the farmers market and making canvas for him!

By: Marina Mendez (me!) 
circling around
cap and gown
veil and corset 
your busy mind
rest yet
more less
less more
who's keeping score
this way to your heart
this way to your soul
who the hell was i
if i never let go
selecting love 
over dreams
an envelope 
of sunshine
peeking through
the trees.
home creeps around
the bend of the bright-eyed
city in the back of your head
opinions fall to ones standing tall
matter minds to those who care.
surely you don't mind if i take 
a deep breath
to rearrange the day and night.
half smiling
skipping stones
past the joneses'
but you're a lot like they were.
a dreamers teeth
do chatter and grind
sign of the times
wanting drives the day
a moment of time slips away
broken
woken in a deep sleep
moving on with a wordly view
of something you never knew.
circling around
cap and gown
veil and corset 
your busy mind
rest yet
more less
less more
who's keeping score
this way to your heart
this way to your soul
who the hell was i
if i never let go
selecting love 
over dreams.

Yesterday I just did not feel like myself. Lawrence came over. I've been spending the last few days with him. I feel I need to distance myself from him. It's a constant cycle that never ends that I never really feel happy about. He has really changed and has helped me a lot over the last few days but I feel lost from myself when I am in a relationship with him. It's hard to ignore that when I am spending time with him.

I went to the massage school and did a tour. I was so excited about it all and then I just didn't feel excited. There wasn't even a good reason to not be. I felt kind of depressed and filled with anxiety yesterday. I don't know why I let these emotions bother me. I always think emotions have some kind of intelligent meaning when a lot of times they create problems and nonexistent issues. I need to learn how to handle my emotions and not label myself with these emotions.

Am I anxious? Am I sad? No. I am none of these things. I am not emotion.

I just felt kind of restless. I seriously felt like running down the street screaming. Hannah felt the same way. She said she felt like that today too. She said she felt like her soul just wanted to come out of her body. We agreed. John Mayer's "Bigger Than My Body" explains it all. I always want to know why I feel like that at different times.

Yesterday I didn't do so well as a fruitarian. Lawrence and I went to this new Mexican restaurant and I ordered the guacamole.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it had sour cream in it. Also I over did it on the tortilla chips. Ate a lot of cashew butter and bananas. I need to stop eating cashew butter! Sometimes I crave it but it does make me kind of sluggish. "I made a bitchin' smoothie" haha as Alison would say.  It was cantaloupe, kiwi and mango smoothie. I had to use a little almond milk because I didn't have any filtered water. It was so good!! I feel much better on smoothies and mono-meals. Why don't I just eat that from now on?!

After my emotions fell down in the gutter I went to Pita Pit and got a hummus pita and chips. I guess it's better than going out and drinking because that's what I felt like doing. I was in a really weird mood. I felt wild, crazy and depressed at the same time. 

I walked to The Fish Tank by myself and listened to the band The Fresh. They were pretty good. It felt strange to go to the bar by yourself but also liberating because I don't do many things by myself. I kinda liked it. I didn't have to call anyone up and depend on them to go. I didn't drink which is great. I felt very independent and proud that I went there by myself. There were two old men that kept coming up and talking to me, trying to get me to dance. I just felt like sitting and enjoying the moment. I always dance but just felt like enjoying last night differently.

I feel kind of bloated today. Figures. I think i'm going to start with a melon mono meal and have smoothies the rest of the day.

I don't feel like eating today.

aww look at my little pug! he's the best!