losing control

Here I am in Lake Tahoe surrounded by immense beauty. I am four hours away from my new home in Berkeley, CA. I am so excited to start off in a new place, seriously. Growing up in Lexington, Kentucky was nice in that it was easy to get around, I knew alot of people (which can be either a pro or a con whenever you go to a bar or the grocery store)  and it has some what of a building cultural feel to it. I'm just excited I get to experience something new. 

I'm driving down 80 west in my 04 Jetta Volkswagen with my mom (who already resides in Berkeley) and my adorable angelic 10 month old pug  leaving behind a 4 1/2 year relationship. 

A relationship filled with misunderstanding, filled with the question of if we're really that compatible to begin with, filled with jealousy. April, he broke up with me because I wasn't really ecstatic about the idea of marriage. Little did I know that he had a ring picked out for me to propose. What do you expect at the age of 20? I haven't fulfilled my dreams! Not to say you can't do that married but it just didn't seem right I guess and it didn't seem like he really like me for me but for who he could make me into.

He broke up with me and  didn't tell me why until about 3 weeks later.  After moving out of our one bedroom apartment and in with my mom's best friend and her family, panic attack after panic attack, after balling my eyes out, after giving so much to someone.

It was incredibly hard to let go of the one person who I build my life around but I feel as though great things are in my future. If that doesn't sound too much like a fortune cookie.

He continues to call me. He continues to plead and admit he messed up and cry and for me to give it another try and asking for the approval for him to move out to California. I feel bad for him that he has to go through the emotional hell and all the rumors circling around in Lexington; his friends calling him and telling him who I've supposely hung out with or hooked up with---none true.  I can't talk to him on the phone because I really don't want to bring up those emotions again or the mentality of "We can work this out" because it all reverts back to the same old ways and my unhappiness. 

The thing is he is a really nice guy and I still love him after all this time but I don't think I really am in love with him anymore. I feel remorse for him but I feel numb most of the time now . 

I realize I don't want to be with someone who can't express themselves or their emotions. I feel like emotionally I gave too much in the past 4 1/2 years. I moved back to Lexington from California when I was 19 to be with him, I was there for him through a court case he had to go through for about a year. I guess I wouldn't know how strong I am if he didn't break it off with me as much as it hurt when it happened. 

He might have gave me the greatest gift.

 

I'm not really wanting a relationship now. I want to focus on bettering myself and my budding future as hopefully a singer and or an interior decorator. I mean who doesn't want to find the perfect guy who's sweet, understanding, charming, good-looking, funny, artistic, talented...every good quality that may not be possible to drag out of one person?  I just hope down the road  I can find a fun, decent and trustworthy guy.  I hope once I'm on that road everything will fall into place relationship wise.

I hung out with this one guy this month back in Lexington for a couple days. A guy I would probably not normally talk to. 

I was  just trying to look past his image and the reputation and rumors that he had collected by working in the night life in Lexington. I realized that he really only wanted one thing and let me tell you, you can tell alot about a guy by their facebook/myspace page. Alot of times the books cover cuts to the chase; it's exactly what the book  is all about. Guys talk alot of crap just to try to take you home. I can tell now that there not trustworthy if they are trying to take you home the first night of chilling with them especially if drinking is involved---I'm new to all this but at least I can smell bullshit and I don't want to find out what that's all about.  

I don't need a zero.

It takes more to confuse a girl like me.

Anyway, I am letting the past be the past because I'm getting past it all and letting it all go. 

On the way, I finding there alot of things I need to let go of that I've hung on to for dear life.

Before I left Lexington, I went to Third Street Stuff, a locally-owned  eccentric cafe and store---one of the highlights of Lexington in my opinion and saw this quote painted in bold letters on the side of the building.

if you resist change, you will stay here.

My friend and I contemplated these words and how that applied to our lives at that moment. 

I have realized I had resisted change for so long in fear that things might go badly or something new and frightening might find me.

I just need to let God lead the way and to surround myself with people and things who are positive and influential to be around and who want me around. Let go and let God as they say. I can create a beautiful life with God on my side.

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the movie Benjamin Button:

You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went; you can swear and curse the fates – but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.